An Editorial on Being Human

Most humans are out to find someone that completes them in a way that benefits both parts equally. This is for the sake of eternal happiness, eternal glory, eternal love, and eternal good will. At least, it is that in theory. Whether or not each creature finds itself a suitable mate, the pursuit of that mate will continue until that warm feeling of love, trust, eternal devotion, emotional security is found.

Like most, I am out looking for the mayfly known as love. Alright, so I stole that line from Vash the Stampede, what do you care? The meaning still rings true. I have made real attempts at finding that true happiness only to fail every time. I have discovered that I can give and give all I can, but if all they do is take and take, how am I supposed to find happiness? Where is the return?

Bear in mind, I’m not trying to sound bitter or anything. I’m a happy guy, very busy just like everyone else. I don’t repress much of anything and I let it all hang out so to speak. Yes, I do have clothes on as I write this. Even if I didn’t I wouldn’t share with the rest of you. Perverts, yeesh.

A relationship is an equal balance--an equal balance of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual effort. Where there is love given, that love must be returned in full. Where there is physical love given, you’d better hope it’s getting returned in full, otherwise you might as well be with a rock or a hole in the wall (I.E. Inanimate Object). If you’ve got the money, a blow up doll. Anyways, when conversation is started, it should be continued, unless someone is pissy. If that is the case, call everything off and go play video games.

Over the course of time, trust is built up. Dependency is brought in later when a couple realizes that they can’t live without one another. You will know this when you are away for more than five days and you still miss your significant other. If you don’t miss them, then there’s nothing there and you should go onto greener pastures, or perhaps a new golf course with another 18 holes to put your balls into. Hey, whatever floats your boat, folks.

Talk. Talking is very important in a relationship. The willingness to open your mouth and let whatever it is that’s in there froth out like vomit or pixie dust (depending on your mood) is a sure sign that you are willing to open up yourself. Vulnerability is a sign that you trust your significant other. When they take that vulnerability and stomp it on purpose, then you have got issues. Quite a few issues.

Listen. If you can talk, you can listen, too. Whenever your other half decides that they’re pissed off about something, you damn well better listen or else you might get handed your hat. If they’re really mean, they’ll hand you a hat and no undies in the middle of winter. So cold…

Argue. By god, ARGUE. If you don’t argue, you’re screwed. Besides, the make-up ‘unf unf unfing’ is always a plus. If you don’t, then all of that adrenaline from the argument just goes to waste and you end up with holes in the wall.

Cuddle. Oh yeah. If you wanna call me a sap for this go ahead. I certainly won’t be curling up with you. Don’t neck (for at least a few minutes) once you’ve started cuddling. We all know that spooning leads to forking, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy that few minutes as your bodies grow into the mood. ;D

Make love not war. That’s right. Do it in the car, in the living room, in the bedroom, on the bathroom sink (provided it’s clean), on the off balance washer, out in the middle of the woods (when there’s no ticks), and occasionally in public (where nobody can see you of course). The thrill should be more than enough to keep you going. It’s highly enjoyable, stress relieving, etc. Also, make sure you spoon immediately afterwards, even if you’re still drenched and sweat and… other… stuff. Oh, and for goodness sakes, experiment! Just because you like ‘virgo’ and ‘aquarius’ for positions, doesn’t mean that that’s all you should do. Get inventive. Have fun. That’s the entire point of it.

Lower your guard, but not too quickly. If your other half can’t get in because you won’t let them, they cannot really be there for you. You have to be able to let them in. Don’t wait for a long time to do it. If you wait for too long your other half may feel that you do not share their feelings and feel as though they’ve been wasting their time trying to mate with a cold and dead rock. Cold and dead rocks aren’t exactly the most hospitable things in the world.

Protect those that you love. This is where you make war not love. Do I need to go any further? If necessary, buy a gun, a sword, a knife, a tape dispenser, a squigi, a staple puller, a rubber band, or even your very own fists, feet, teeth, skull, kneecaps, or a mixture of all of the above. Know and understand that the human body is an incredibly fragile piece of bio-machinery. It doesn’t take very much to completely dispatch another human if they are trying to hurt you. Just remember, you have love on your side, whereas they only have hate. Hate blinds. Love is tranquility like the flowers in the breeze unless you are allergic to flowers, in which case you can simply substitute honey or something else sweet and tasty.

Be humble, but don’t be humbled. Be modest. You should understand that if you are as close to someone as is implicated in the previous paragraphs.

Acknowledge that in a relationship you must know when to be flexible. (That goes both mentally & physically wink wink). Sometimes, your opinion doesn’t matter. When there is something that “MUST BE DONE” you must take the lead and be damned with the consequences when it pans out. If your other half doesn’t understand why or how or wtf? you did it, then you can explain once it’s done. Don’t waste time sitting around explaining it if it’s a life or death issue. Here are a couple of examples:

Ex1. “RUN! RUN!” He screamed at her as the man with the gun shot him twice in the chest, thankfully missing anything too important. The man with the gun only got two shots off before he sunk his knife into his belly and his teeth sunk into the man’s throat tearing out his larynx. She called the police as she managed to get to the other room and ran out of the house with the cell phone to get as far away as possible as he had commanded of her.


Ex2. “RUN! RUN!” He screamed at her, but she didn’t move.
“Bullshit, what do you think you’re going to do? Stab him in the stomach and tear his larynx out with your teeth?”
“Babe, I know we think alike and all, but now he’s just going to shoot us both.” With that, Ken and Barbie both died from well placed gunshot wounds to the heads.

Now, you see how that works? Funny how listening to your other half can get you out of trouble, isn’t it? That’s pretty damned important if you ask me. Now bear in mind this DOES work both ways. Here are another couple of examples.

Ex1. “I THOUGHT I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH!” She screamed at him.
“Yes dear.”

Ex2. “I THOUGHT I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH!” She screamed at him.
“Yes dear.”

Sure, the trash might not be a life and death situation, but jesus, if you wait that long for her to get THAT pissed, you deserve to get screamed at, bar none.

Your sense of humor can do many things. It can get you into trouble. It can get you out of trouble. It can amplify situations of both previous situations into very negative or positive stances. If you lack a sense of humor of any kind, or repress it, you are at high risk of being overly quiet, uninvolved, and closed off. Usually, the better the sense of humor, the more open you are. Although this isn’t always the case, there are other circumstances that go with these things. So that’s not really all that true (not always).

Basically… Laugh. Laugh a lot. Laugh as much as you can. Giggle. Giggle with glee. Chuckle. Gurgle, accidentally blow milk out your nose, etc. Have fun.

Life is here so that we can enjoy it. We are not supposed to be miserable all of our lives. Anybody who thinks that the point of life is to be miserable, destitute, lonely, upset, sad, or lacking emotion, is missing out on life itself and might as well be lacking a soul.

The worst thing you can do in a relationship is be inflexible. This time I mean it in the non “unf-unf-unf” sense. A relationship isn’t just a relationship. It’s a business relationship. It’s a spiritual relationship. It’s an emotional relationship. And it’s a physical relationship. In business, you negotiate. In spirituality, you pray, or meditate together. In an emotional relationship, you laugh and cry together. In a physical relationship you go unf-unf, you hug, you kiss, you cuddle. You touch, you feel. When you combine everything, you have something grand.

Most people unfortunately, cannot think past themselves. This is where I’m going to go into the bit about our society that has basically dragged us down into the dirt. Everything has to be perfect. All girls must look like Brittany Spears to be hot. You must have a ghetto booty, you must have boobs that are C34 or better. You must have a wang that’s a foot long and you must be a porn star. You must drive a nice car. You must have nice teeth. You must have perfect hair and skin and lips and ….what the hell happened to originality and being unique? It seems to me that the only people who are original these days are the ones that aren’t the trendy little retards and are thus the scorn of society. In this sense, bums have a better life than anyone else. At least they are unique in themselves.

Another complaint is that people are too whiny, complainy, untrusty, and more… ‘y’ things that I can’t quite think of at the moment. It’s rather ridiculous, if you ask me. Of course, that’s probably because we understand that ‘everyone is out to get us’ in this day and age. You can’t pick up hitchhikers because they ‘might’ kill you. You can’t help out strangers because they might be con artists out to get your money. What ever happened to doing things for the sake of being a good person?

This of course brings it all the way back to the relationship thing. Do things for the sake of being a good person. Cherished moments, and love will follow in its wake. Party on Garth.
Party on Wayne.

-Olympian